- I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
- Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
- Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
- Being bisexual doubles your chance of a date on Saturday night.
- Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- How the hell do I know why there were Nazis? I don't even know how the can opener works!
- I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
- In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
- I could tell by the sound of your voice over the phone. Very authoritative you know, like the Pope or the computer in 2001.
- When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
- If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought -- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
- It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
- It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
- Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
- Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.
- Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered?
- Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic...
- To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- At the moment it's just a Notion, but with a bit of backing I think I could turn it into Concept, and then an Idea.
- What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours.
- I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.
- When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
- Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.