1. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
2. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
3. Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
4. Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
5. Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
6. Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
7. Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
8. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
9. Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
10. An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
11. I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
12. On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
13. I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
14. I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
15. Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
16. Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
17. Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.