- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
- I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?
- Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
- Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
- Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
- Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
- Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
- An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
- I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
- On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
- I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
- I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
- Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
- Don't gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.