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W.C. Fields Quotes

Here are the funniest W.C. Fields quotes spoken by one of the classic funny men of all time.

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1. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch...

2. The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

3. I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

4. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

5. Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her.

6. I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.

7. The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

8. Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn't want to own one.

9. (When asked : "How do you like children?") "Fried!"

10. My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

11. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

12. I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

13. (In a restaurant to waitress): "I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here."

14. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.

15. ...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

16. My of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

17. Man: "I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time." WC: "A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy."

18. Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

19. (Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded:) "Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails." 

20. All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

21. Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only exercise I got.

22. Charlie McCarthy: "Say, Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?" WC: "He'd think I was a sissy."

23. I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

24. Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

25. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

26. "Fields reloading!" (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!")

27. Hangman: "Have you any last wish?" WC: "Yes, I'd like to see Paris before I die." (pause) "Philadelphia will do."

28. How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

29. I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

30. Secretary: "It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law." WC: "Yes it is, very hard. It's almost impossible."

31. I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

32. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

33. (Invited to play golf by someone he didn't like, Fields responded:) "When I want to play with a prick, I'll play with my own."

34. What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?

35. "I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad." 

36. Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

37. Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)

W.C. Fields Films
Film Minutes Year Film Minutes Year
Pool Sharks 10 1915 Hollywood on Parade (2 shorts) 10 1933-34
His Lordship's Dilemma 10 1915 Tillie and Gus 58 1933
Janice Meredith 153 1925 Alice in Wonderland 77 1933
Sally of the Sawdust 124 1925 Six of a Kind 62 1934
That Royle Girl (Lost) n/a 1925 You're Telling Me 67 1934
It's the Old Army Game 75 1926 The Old Fashioned Way 74 1934
So's Your Old Man 67 1926 Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch 80 1934
The Potters (Lost) 71 1927 It's a Gift 73 1934
Running Wild 68 1927 David Copperfield 130 1935
Two Flaming Youths (Lost) 55 1927 Mississippi 73 1935
Tillie's Punctured Romance (Lost) 57 1928 The Man on the Flying Trapeze 65 1935
Fools for Luck (Lost) 60 1928 Poppy 75 1936
The Golf Specialist 20 1930 The Big Broadcast of1938 90 1938
Her Majesty, Love 75 1931 You Can't Cheat an Honest Man 89 1939
Million Dollar Legs 64 1932 My Little Chickadee 83 1940
If I Had a Million 83 1932 The Bank Dick 74 1940
The Dentist 20 1932 Never Give a Sucker an Even Break 71 1941
The Fatal Glass of Beer 20 1933 Tales of Manhattan 120 1942
The Pharmacist 20 1933 Show Business at War 17 1943
The Barber Shop 20 1933 Follow the Boys 122 1944
Hip Action 10 1933 Song of the Open Road 93 1944
International House 70 1933 Sensations of 1945 86 1944


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