- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
- If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
- When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
- A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
- I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
- With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
- I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
- I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
- "I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
- "Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
- "My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
- "I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'"
- I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.