1. My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
2. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
3. When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
4. A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
5. I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
6. With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
7. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
8. I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
9. I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
10. "I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know."
11. "Its lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom."
12. "My wife was afraid of the dark, saw me naked, now she's afraid of the light!"
13. "I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'"
14. I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
15. My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
16. My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
17. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
18. I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
19. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.