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Puns
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Puns



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  1. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

  2. I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

  3. Banning the bra was a big flop.

  4. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  7. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  8. A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

  9. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

  10. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

  11. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  12. Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

  13. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  14. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

  15. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  16. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

  17. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

  18. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

  19. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

  20. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

  21. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

  22. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

  23. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

  24. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

  25. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

  26. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  27. Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

  28. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  29. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  30. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

  31. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. Now it's syncing.

  32. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst kind.

  33. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

  34. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

  35. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

  36. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

  37. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

  38. They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.

  39. We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

  40. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

  41. Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

  42. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

  43. Broken pencils are really pointless.

  44. I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

  45. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? The saurus.

  46. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

  47. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

  48. I dropped out of Communism class because of lousy Marx.

  49. All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

  50. I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

  51. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

  52. A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

  53. Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

  54. The earthquake in Washington was obviously the government's fault.

  55. Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

  56. Velcro. What a rip off!

  57. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  58. Without geometry, life is pointless.

  59. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum  Blownapart.

  60. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

  61. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  62. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

  63. A backward poet writes inverse.

  64. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

  65. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

  66. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

  67. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

  68. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  69. If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

  70. When chemists die, they barium.

  71. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  72. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  73. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  74. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  75. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  76. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head."

  77. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  78. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

  79. And then there was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.





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