Christmas Eve At The Pearly Gates|
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
And So The Christmas Season Begins.....
Rodney Dangerfield At The Pearly Gates|
I tell ya, he don't get no respect at all...
Rodney Dangerfield arrives at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter says to him,
"Tell me what you did in life that makes you worthy of coming in."
Rodney says, "That's easy. I made people laugh."
St. Peter responds, "God gave you your looks, I want to know what YOU did."
(A Jeff Clouse original.)
Reward For Goodness|
Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question.
If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....
Hell is waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband.
I never cheated on my wife."
The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in,
but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion
and a limo for your transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.
To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you
cheat on your wife?"
The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness,
you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.
A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked.
"You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied,
"I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago,
and she was riding a skateboard!"
Each Man Gives A Story|
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to
tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,
and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly
horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something
was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy
could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,
there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,
but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into
my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --
but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.
I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge
and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.
But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died
there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,
and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment
building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto
the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and
kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed
a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky
and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that
heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
Be Careful When You Wish|
Two men died and went to Heaven.
St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send
you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."
"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone.
"And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy.
"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply.
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone.
After a few months, their mansions were finished,
and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back.
"You'll find them easily," he says,
"One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon,
and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!"
Doing This Great Deed|
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven.
There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No?
St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No?
St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No?
St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime.
Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her
surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving
her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down,
fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet.
I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable,
cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."
Qualifying For Heaven|
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together
at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,
"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?
They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."
St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need
all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question
a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.
"1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Fulfilling Their Requests|
There were 3 men who died and before God would let them into heaven,
he gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted.
The first guy said " I want to come back as myself, but 100 times smarter.
So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said "I want to be better than that guy, make me
1000 times smarter.
So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best.
So he said "God, make me better than both of them,
make me 1,000,000 times smarter.
So God made him a woman !!
The Test. . . |
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St.Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
Sue Over The Property|
Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other?
They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was
having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus
and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers.
He called the devil over and said "Look, Satan, you have to rebuild
this fence." Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had
completely rebuilt the fence...but it was 2 feet further into heaven
"Satan!" beckoned God. "You have to take that fence down
and put it back where it belongs!"
"Yeah? What if I don't?" replied the devil.
"I'll sue you if I have to," answered God.
"Sure," laughed Satan. "Where are you going to find a lawyer?"
Assign The Punishment|
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled
to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest
woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when
a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned!
You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!"
And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst
when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
Is The Wife In Control?|
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth
and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks the women are gone
and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
on the line of men that dominated women there was only one man.
God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him!"
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?
The man said, "I don't know.
My wife told me to stand here."
The Name Of Your Wife|
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify
for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?"
he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life.
In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry.
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton,
so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get out of here."
At Heavens Gate!|
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the
Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting around were her parents
and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her and began calling greetings to her, "Hello! How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful
place! How do I get in?
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled LOVE and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About three years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to
watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman
said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in
and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the
world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski
hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
Dinner In Heaven|
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates.
"Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?" saith God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresas replies. So God opens a can of tuna and
reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell
and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Mother Teresa can see
the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing. The following day, mealtime arrives and
another can of tuna is opened. She can't contain herself any longer.
Meekly, she says:
"God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for
the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat
is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand..."
God sighs. "Let's look at this realistically, Mother Theresa," He says.
"For just two people, does it pay to cook?"
A Forester And A Lawyer|
A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the
pearly gates together. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and
takes them to the homeswhere they will spend all of eternity. They
get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which
turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road
paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to
the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity,
enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.
Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond
studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of
gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an
unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes
to leave when the forester says "Waitaminute!, how come the
lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"
St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here,
we have never had a lawyer before."
Punishment For Gates|
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy
and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood,
I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which
you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor
souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive
coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured
by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which
there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table.
To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation,
Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the PC?"
"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Oh Lordy! |
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
Three friends die in a car accident, they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say.......LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!!!!!
George W. Bush At The Pearly Gates|
Albert Einstein dies and goes to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but
you have no idea the lengths some people will go to sneak into Heaven.
Can you prove you're Albert Einstein?"
Einstein ponders for a few seconds and then asks,
"Can I have a blackboard and some chalk?"
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly
appear. Einstein proceeds to describe, in arcane mathematics and
symbols, his theory of relativity.
Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says.
"Welcome to heaven!"
The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for
Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"
Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."
Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural
with just a few strokes of chalk.
Saint Peter claps. "You are definitely the great artist you claim to
be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.
Saint Peter scratches his head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both
managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"
Dubya looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"
Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."