1. Candy, is dandy, but Liquor, is quicker.
2. Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
3. One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
4. If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
5. A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick
and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
6. Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.
7. Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
8. Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
9. There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
10. I think that I shall never see
A billboard as lovely as a tree.
Perhaps unless the billboards fall,
I'll never see a tree at all.
11. Beneath this slab
John Brown is stowed.
He watched the ads
And not the road.
12. Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
13. I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
14. There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
15. The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
16. There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.
17. A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
18. A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
19. Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying then without money?
20. The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.
21. Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?
22. I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.
23. The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
24. People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.
25. Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.
26. The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
27. The bronx? No thonx.
28. Too clever is dumb.