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The Prawn And The Cod
One day, in the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean, two prawns called Justin and Christian are discussing the pressures of being a preyed upon prawn.
"I hate being a prawn," says Justin. "I wish I were a shark."
Suddenly, a mysterious cod appears. "Your wish is granted," he says.
Instantly, Justin becomes a shark. Horrified, Christian swims away, afraid his former friend might eat him. As time passes, Christian continues to avoid Justin, leaving the shrimp-turned-maneater lonely and frustrated. So when he bumps into the cod again, he begs the mysterious fish to change him back. Lo and behold, Justin is turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, he swims back to the reef to seek out Christian.
As he approaches, he shouts out: "It's me, Justin, your old friend. I've changed & I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian."
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Nympho
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak.
"Thanks," he gasps.
"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.
The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."
"Where's your car?" the bartender asks.
"At the roadside," the guy gasps.
"Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."
"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."
So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.
"What's going on here?" he asks.
"It's all right, officer," explains the bartender. "She's my wife."
"Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize..."
"Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."
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Appreciation
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
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Painters Eye
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of her career, she started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.
After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office.
Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.
During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"
To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"
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Water
A traveler became lost in the Sahara desert. Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization, he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time passed, and he began feeling faint. He was on the verge of passing out when he spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him. Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically, "I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like to buy a tie?" With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the bedouin, "If you really need water, there is a tent about two kilometers south of here where you can get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and collapsed.
Another bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a tie!"
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Double Positive
A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."
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Fly In The Soup
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir...
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Don't worry sir, the spider on the breadroll will get 'em.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Its OK, Sir, there's no extra charge!
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Force of habit, sir. Our chef used to be a tailor.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
I know, but unfortunately we are out of turtle.
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup!
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Surely not, sir. It must be one of those vitamin bees you hear so much about.
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup!
Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
It's fly soup sir!
Waiter, waiter, there's a bee in my soup.
Yes Sir, it's the fly's day off.
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Beer, Fishing, Golf, & Sex
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted
by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless
man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and
asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some
beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying
food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man
said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course
instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't
played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light
district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?"
exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the
money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a
terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be
furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and
I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her
to see what a man looks like after he has given up
beer, fishing, golf, and sex."
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Barbie Doll
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift.
So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.
Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbie's are.
The girl responds:
"Which one? We have:"
Gymnasium Barbie: $19.95
Volleyball Barbie: $19.95
Shopping Barbie: $19.95
Surfer Barbie: $19.95
Disco Barbie: $19.95
and Divorced Barbie: $299.99
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $299.95 when all the other Barbie's are $19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's Furniture
Ken's Jewellery
Ken's Money
Ken's Computer, and
Ken's Best Friend...
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Two Best Friends
Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue
needed someone to identify the body.
His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.
Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's
burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.
Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to
identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real
bad, roll him over". The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and
said, "No, it ain't Paddy".
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."
"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, "Here
comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."
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Best Friend
A husband leaves the house to go pick up dinner for he and his wife. Shortly after leaving, the doorbell rings.
It is her husbands best friend and she invites him in. Since she is in her bathrobe the man says to her "you have the nicest breasts". She says "thanks but my husband would be mad if he heard you".
He replies "I would pay you $10 just to see one of them". She thinks for a minute and decides to do it.
He says "Wow that is the most perfect breast I ever saw....I will give you another $10 if you show me both at the same time".
She does it, and he gives her the money. The friend leaves and her husband comes home. She says "your best friend just stopped by". He answers "Great did he leave the $20 he owed me"
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Watch What You Eat
An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him.
The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.
Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."
Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside.
The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England."
The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.
The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."
Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England."
After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.
Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."
Englishman: "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
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Viagra for the Elderly
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.
'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.
Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.
'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'
What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'
'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years... but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'
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Don't Fart in Bed
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver, and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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An Italian Boy's Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.
The priest asked, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
Yes, Father it is.
And who was the woman you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as
well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say.
Was it Teresa Volpe?
I'll never tell.
Was it Nina Capeli?
I'm sorry but I cannot name her.
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.
The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself.
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, What'd you get?
Four months vacation and five good leads...
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Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do. When a man
volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into
motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is
lounging beside the grill.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off'. And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing
some women.
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Hell or High Water
One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning
the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes
there.
Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs.
Thibodaux, waiting for help to come.
Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then
she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way
back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in.
Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you
see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?"
Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going
to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"
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Fortune-Teller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.
"Ah..." said the woman, as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you
are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of
THREE children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think."
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Al-Gebra
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while
in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and
a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is
being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y'
and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they
belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates
in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there
are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, Tony Blair said, "If God had wanted
us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes."
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