- My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died.
- I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've travelled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it will not fall off the wall.
- People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
- Burritos are sleeping bags for ground beef.
- I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
- I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger.
- I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
- My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. So which one's the real hero?
- I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxema. They're not white, they're off-white. Hell, I'm not even white, I'm off-white. We're a new race, we will prevail!
- Once I saw this wino who was eating grapes, and I said, "Dude, you have to wait".
- I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
- I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- A waffle is like a pancake with syrup traps.
- What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street... It's a way to open shit...
- Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.
- Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
- Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- I type at one hundred and one words a minute. But it's in my own language.
- I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a lady who would be really mad if she heard me say that.
- Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"
- I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it's like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day. And if you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it's like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
- I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.
- Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
- Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
- I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too ... I tried to taste it, but it did not work ...
- I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."
- I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
- I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."
- I wanted to get my teeth whitened, but I said fuck it, I'll just get a tan instead.
- I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say "Go around! I cannot open the wall! I dunno if you have a door on your side but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat."
- I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said "This is not a library". so I said, "Alright, I will talk louder then!"
- "A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
- I was in a bar, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns...
- I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut 'em up."
- I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen but he could not read it, he thought I was just trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
- On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana?
- I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
- I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "OK... Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips. Or potato salad." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the news on menus nationwide."
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