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Men Jokes - Men Are Like...

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Jokes about men and funny situations involving men and women.
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Men Are Like...

  1. Men are like...Coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

  2. Men are like...Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

  3. Men are like...Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

  4. Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

  5. Men are like...Bike Helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

  6. Men are like...Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

  7. Men are like...Parking Spots. The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.

  8. Men are like...Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

  9. Men are like...Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

  10. Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

  11. Men are like...High Heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

  12. Men are like...Curling Irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.

  13. Men are like...Mini Skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

  14. Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

  15. Men are like...Department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

  16. Men are like...Vacations. They never seem to be long enough.

  17. Men are like...Chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

  18. Men are like...Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

  19. Men are like...Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

  20. Men are like...Plungers. They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

  21. Men are like...Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

  22. Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

  23. Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long he will last.

  24. What should you give a man who has everything?
    A woman to show him how to work it.

  25. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
    He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

  26. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
    The same urge that make dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

  27. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
    They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

  28. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
    After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

  29. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
    Breasts don't have eyes.

  30. How do you save a man from drowning?
    Take your foot off his head.

  31. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    We don't know, it's never happened.

  32. Why are men like tile floors?
    If you lay 'em properly the first time you can walk all over 'em for years.

  33. What do you call a man with half a brain?

  34. Why do men become smarter during sex?
    Because they're plugged into a genius!!

  35. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive,
    caring and good looking?
    Because those men already have boyfriends

Missing Spouse

Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station,
along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband
was missing.

The policeman asked for a description of the missing man.
The wife said, "He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds,
is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested,
"Your husband is 5-foot 8-inches, chubby, has a big mouth,
and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

The Touching Speech

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter,
ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to
carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off.

Otherwise they were all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but
then the woman made a very touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of
the rope, because as a woman, she was used to
giving up everything for her husband and kids,
and for men in general, without ever getting
anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men
started clapping their hands...

Pick-up Lines and Replies

  1. HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
    SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.

  2. HE: Go on, dont be shy. Ask me out!
    SHE: Okay, get out!

  3. HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
    SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

  4. HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

  5. HE: Where have you been all my life?
    SHE: Hiding from you.

  6. HE: I think I could make you very happy
    SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

  7. HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
    SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

  8. HE: Hi, Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
    SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

  9. HE: Can I buy you a drink?
    SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.

  10. HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
    SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

  11. HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
    SHE: I must've been given your share.

  12. HE: Will you go out with me this saturday?
    SHE: Sorry, I'm having a headache this weekend.

  13. HE: Can I have your name?
    SHE: Why? Dont you already have one?

  14. HE: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
    SHE: Yes, that's why I dont go there anymore.

  15. HE: Is this seat empty?
    SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

  16. HE: Hey baby, whats your sign?
    SHE: Do not enter.


We've all heard the great philosophical theory concerning an empty forest
and a tree falling, well here's another : if a man is openly expressing
an opinion, and there's no woman around in earshot, is he still wrong??

34 Great Reasons To Be A Man.

  1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  2. You know stuff about tanks.
  3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  4. You can open all your own jars.
  5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
  6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
  7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
  8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  9. You can kill your own food.
  10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
  14. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.
  15. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  16. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
  17. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  18. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
  19. Same work...more pay.
  20. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
  21. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
  22. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  23. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  24. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  25. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
  26. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  30. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  31. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  33. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  34. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Ladies Night Out

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do????

The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home.

NOTICE: Classes for men at our local learning center for adults will be starting soon. Sign-up by August 30th.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays. Step-by-step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow On The Holders? Round table discussion.

Topic 3 - Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat Up And Avoiding The Floor/Walls And Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

Topic 4 - Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper And The Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The After-Dinner Dishes And Silverware: Can They Levitate And Fly Into The Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss Of Identity: Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning How To Find Things, Starting With Looking In The Right Place Instead Of Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

Topic 10 - Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning To Live: Basic Differences Between Mother And Wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How To Be The Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13 - How To Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates And Calling When You're Going To Be Late.

Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors!

Text Message

Wife, being the very romantic sort, sent her husband a text message:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, a typical non-romantic male, replied,

"I am on the toilet. Please advise."

What I Want in a Man

What I Want In a Man (Original List)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.

Vacation Death

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance!"

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