Three expatriates are drinking in a NY City bar.
"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth.
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "at my local pub in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.
The Irishman swore every word was true.
"Did this actually happen to you?" they asked.
"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman,
"but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
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Irish Declare War On France
The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings.
"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are
officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed
important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation,
"there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door
neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the
pub. That makes eight!"
Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have
100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr.
Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us
some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's
farm tractor."
Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I
have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers.
Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we
last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get
back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr.
Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get
ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie
McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in
the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have
joined us as well!"
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his
throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100
bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are
surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my
army to 200,000!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to
ring you back."
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'
the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that
we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why
the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few
pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin'
way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
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Driving Home Drunk
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Stopped For Speeding
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
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One Wish
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from
a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one
of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie
would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the
castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated
that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the
entire ocean into beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on
the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.
One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now
we're going to have to piss in the boat."
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My Two Brothers
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers.
Then one week he came in and ordered only two.
He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
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Just Doing What The Wife Said
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."
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Meet the Devil
Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.
So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.
As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."
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Sister Mary Margaret
Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"
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Arthritis
McCuen stumbled out of a saloon right into the arms of Father Logan.
"Inebriated again!" declared the priest. "Shame on you! When are you going to straighten out your life?"
"Father," asked McCuen. "What causes arthritis?"
"I'll tell you what causes it! Drinking cheap whiskey, gambling and carousing around with loose women.
How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't," slurred McCuen. "The Bishop has it!"
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10 Guinness's
An American walks into an Irish pub and says, "I'll give anyone $100 if they can drink 10 Guinness's in 10 minutes."
Most people just ignore the absurd bet and go back to their conversations.
One guy even leaves the bar. A little while later that guy comes back and asks the American, "Is that bet still on?"
"Sure."
So the bartender lines 10 Guinness's up on the bar the Irishman drinks them all in less than 10 minutes.
As the American hands over the money he asks, "Where did you go when you left?"
The Irishman answers, "I went next door to the other pub to see if I could do it."
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Pat And Mike
Pat and Mike had been drinking buddies and friends for years.
After having a few drinks in a bar, Mike said to Pat -
"We have been friends for years and years and if I should die before you do would you do me a favor? Get the best bottle of Irish whiskey you can find and pour it over my grave."
Pat replied, "I would be glad to do that for you my old friend.
But would you mind if I passed it through my bladder first?"
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Live Long
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, having left the pub a wee bit late
one night, found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave,
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87. Good blood,
those O'Gradys!"
"That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that
he was 95 when he died. Aye, those O'Tooles are a hardy bunch, they are!"
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Forget him, here's a fella that lived to
be 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" ask Paddy & Sean.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles..."
"Miles who?" ask Paddy & Sean
"To Dublin!"
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Smart Dog?
Tim O'Rourke was walking his Irish Setter in the country side.
He picked up a stick and threw it, the dog went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in a different direction and the dog once again went and retrieved it and brought it back.
Tim then threw it in another direction and it landed in a small lake.
The dog went down to the water's edge, walked across the water,
picked up the stick and brought it back.
Well, Tim was astounded. He couldn't believe what he had seen and threw stick
in the lake again, and the dog once again walked across the water to bring the stick back.
As he went into town, he promised that he would show his dog's wonderful
new trick to the first person he came across.
Once in town the first person the dog owner came across was the town drunk Declan Dunphy.
Tim dragged Declan to the lake to show him what his dog could do.
Once again, the dog owner threw the stick into the small lake
and the dog went to the water's edge, walked across the water,
picked up the stick and brought it back to it's owner.
Once the drunk saw that, he turned to the dog owner and said;
"Why that's great, mister!
But when are you going to teach your dog how to swim?"
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The Top 13 Signs That You're Being Stalked By A Leprechaun
- Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.
- Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.
- Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.
- You're being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That's a sign you're being stalked by Chaka Khan.)
- You don't recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.
- Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, "I bet you're magically delicious!"
- When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing "Danny Boy."
- Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.
- Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.
- Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, "Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?"
- Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.
- Them little green pellets in the litter box ain't M&M's, Chester.
- Every day this week you've noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.
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Darn These Flys!
An Englishman, a Scott, and a Irishman walked into a pub.
Each orderd a pint of beer. Then a fly landed in each one's beer.
The Englishman, turning slightly green, pushed his beer away and asked for another one.
The Scott took the fly out, shrugged, and drank his beer.
The Irisman pinched the fly between his fingers and yelled
"SPIT IT OUT!" "SPIT IT OUT!"
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Confessional
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth and sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
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Mary Clancy
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says, "He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun..."
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Poker
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife... who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
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