- I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
- Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Women should be obscene and not heard.
- Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!
- Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
- Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
- A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
- If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.
- Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
- Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
- Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
- Blood's not thicker than money.
- I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
- Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
- From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
- He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot
- How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
- I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.
- I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
- I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker.
- I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
- I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.
- I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
- I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
- I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
- I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it
- If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
- I've known and respected your husband for many years, and what's good enough for him is good enough for me.
- Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
- Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
- Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
- Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?
- Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
- Oh are you from Wales ?? Do you know a fella named Jonah ?? He used to live in whales for a while.
- Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
- Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
- Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
- Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
- Remember men, you are fighting for this lady's honor; which is probably more than she ever did.
- Say! You haven't stopped talking since we got here! You must have been vaccinated with a phonograph needle!
- She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
- There's only one way to find out if a man is honest...ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
- There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!
- Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
- Time wounds all heels.
- The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
- We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next year.
- Who are you going to believe, me or your lyin' eyes?
- Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
- Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
- Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
- Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
- When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said "I was just whispering in her mouth".
- Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
- We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.
- You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
- You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
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