- Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
- I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
- Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
- I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.
- For thirty years my act consisted of one joke...and then she died.
- Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
- If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.
- Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
- First of all you've got to have talent. And then you've got to marry her like I did.
- Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.
- By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
- Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
- Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
- When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
- Happiness is a good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman... or a bad woman, depending on how much happiness you can stand.
- Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
- I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
- Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.
- You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
- It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
- There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.
- Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.