1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.
21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
But they are still amusing.
• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• If God dropped acid, would he see people?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?