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Funny News Stories
Check Out
Funny News Stories from around the world



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Beer Jokes
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Car Phone

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned
that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking
the report called the phone and told the guy that answered
that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy
the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.


A-Rod

Put Your Foot In Your Mouth

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the
midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette.

One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in
jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.

Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little
casually today, aren't we?"

The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company..."


Oil Change

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas,
after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of
marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car
which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change.
According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't
realize that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to
change the oil.


teen

This Smells Odd

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home
parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he
bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an
ill man curled up next to a motor home trying to steal
gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best
laugh he'd ever had.


A Penny Saved...

David Posman, 33, was arrested recently in Providence, R.I,
after allegedly knocking out an armored car driver and
stealing the closest four bags of money. It turned out
they contained $800 in PENNIES, weighed 30 pounds each,
and slowed him to a stagger during his getaway so that
police officers easily jumped him from behind.


Civil War Planes

Not Me!

The Belgium news agency Belga reported in November that
a man suspected of robbing a jewelry store in Liege said
he couldn't have done it because he was busy breaking into
a school at the same time. Police then arrested him for
breaking into the school.


A Little Gas

A Dutch veterinarian was fined 600 guilders (about $240)
for causing a fire that destroyed a farm in Lichten Vourde,
the Netherlands. The vet had been trying to convince a farmer
that his cow was passing flatulent gas; to demonstrate, the
vet ignited the gas, but the cow became a "four-legged
flame-thrower" and ran wild, setting fire to bales of hay.
Damage to the farm was assessed at $80,000. The cow was
unharmed. AP


morgue

The Lottery

Californian Bill Helko was thrilled when he had the winning numbers
in the local lottery, the first prize being $412,000.

He straight away went and ordered a Porsche, booked a family holiday
in Hawaii and had a champagne dinner with his wife and friends at an
expensive Hollywood restaurant.

When he went to pick up the winnings he found that 9,097 others had
also won first prize and his share of the jackpot was $45.


Thanks For Nothing

An ambulance was called to the aid of James Ritchie, thirty,
who was lying injured on a road outside Odell, Illinois. As it
arrived on the scene, the ambulance skidded on the snow-covered
roadway, then struck and killed Ritchie. UPI


condom truck

Check It Out

Drug-possession defendant Christopher Johns, on trial in
March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched
without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer
didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's
jacket could have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher,
who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in
court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket
and laughed so hard he required a five-minute recess to
compose himself.


Spelling Errors and Wrong Notes - San Francisco

A man walked into the downtown Bank of America and on the back of
a deposit slip wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, the man
began to worry that someone may have seen him write the note and
might call the police before he could reach the teller.

So, the criminal left the Bank of America and walked across to the
street to Wells Fargo. After waiting in line for several minutes there,
he handed his note to a teller. After reading it, the teller determined
that this robber was perhaps a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

She told him that because his note was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip, she could not honor his demand. He would either have to
fill out a Wells Fargo withdrawal slip or go back to the Bank of America.

Feeling defeated, the man said he understood and left. The Wells Fargo
teller promptly called the police, who arrested the man a few minutes
later--still waiting in line at the Bank of America.


May I Take Your Order? - Ypsilanti, Michigan

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50am flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk tuned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available
for breakfast.

The man, frustrated, walked away.




The Perfect Scam - Australia

Australian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, few people will present
these checks to their banks. The name of the company:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."


Don't Defend Yourself - Oklahoma City

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store
in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district
attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending
himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said,
"I should of blown your [expletive] head off!"
The defendant paused, then quickly
added, "- if I'd been the one that was there."

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommend a 30-year sentence.


How Does That Work?

R.C. Gaitlin, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who
were showing their squad car computer equipment to
children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how
the system worked, the officers asked to use his I.D.
for an example. Gaitlin gave them his driver's license,
they entered it into the computer, and moments later they
arrested Gaitlin because information on the screen showed
that Gaitlin was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery
in St. Louis, Missouri.


Bumbling Bank Robber

MIAMI, Florida (Reuters) -- A man the FBI dubbed the "bumbling bank robber" was convicted after investigators matched his DNA to the gold teeth knocked out when a van hit the fleeing suspect, prosecutors said Wednesday.

Charles Edward Jones was convicted of bank robbery Tuesday in U.S. District Court and faces up to life imprisonment, U.S. Attorney Marcos Jimenez said.

On September 30, 2002, Jones walked into a Wachovia Bank in Miami, pulled a gun from his pocket and robbed a teller of about $16,000, according to trial evidence.

As he ran out of the bank, he stuffed the gun into his waistband, accidentally firing it into his pants. The bullet missed him but when he stepped into the street he was hit by a van delivering school lunches in the area, investigators said.

Jones managed to stumble to a waiting car, leaving two gold teeth, his gun and hat lying in the street, prosecutors said. The FBI later matched DNA from the teeth with Jones' DNA, proving he had been in the bank.

Jones was arrested a few days after the robbery at a Miami hotel, where agents found a sock full of money from the robbery stuffed into his trousers. The serial numbers from the recovered money matched the bills taken from the bank, Jimenez said.


Bra News

Note To Mechanic

An auto mechanic received a repair order that read: "Check for
clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a
moment later he heard a 'clunk'.

He then made a left turn and again heard a 'clunk'.

Back at the shop he opened the car's trunk, and soon
discovered the problem.

Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager
with the notation, "Removed bowling ball from trunk".


Creative Writing

A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to write
a concise essay containing the following elements:

   Religion
   Royalty
   Sex
   Mystery

The prize winner wrote:

"My God," said the queen, "I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?"


Change Please - New Jersey

A man walked into a 7-11, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change.
When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.

The man took the cash from the clerk and fled--leaving the $20 bill
on the counter.

The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.


Dog Chase

Cash Machine - Kentucky

Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from
the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front
panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home.

With the chain still attached to the machine.
With their bumper still attached to the chain.
With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.


Deposit Slip Up - North Dakota

A man from the town of Grand Forks, North Dakota, decided to travel
to Fargo so that he could rob the First Community Bank. The criminal
quickly scribbled a note demanding money and gave it to the teller.

Frightened, she gave the man what he asked for and watched him run
out of the door. Police were called and searches of the surrounding
area turned up nothing.

Upon reviewing the ransom note, it was noted that the message had
been written on the perpetrator's bank deposit slip.

Police traveled to the man's house and arrested him on his front porch.


Wacky 911 Calls

  • A call came into 911 Emergency because two couples were going to
    share a hotel room and there weren't enough towels.

  • A man called 911 and said: "Please connect me to Switzerland."

  • A lady called 911 because of a fight going on in a parking lot. When
    asked to describe the combatants, she said: "I'll try. There's one man,
    and he's dressed like Elvis. He's kicking another man who's laying on
    the ground and screaming 'You ain't nothing but a hound dog.'"

  • Another person called to report he had the hiccups.

  • A thirteen-year-old boy called to report he had "stuff" coming from
    his navel. Paramedics examined the boy and all they found was
    belly-button lint.

  • A male complainant called and requested police call gas stations on
    all exits of I-95 to find out which ones were open.

  • A woman called emergency to report she had seen a wild mouse
    in her house.

  • Someone called 911 to report the parrot got out of his cage and
    is in a tree outside.

  • A man broke up with his girlfriend and wanted police to go by
    her house and report to him the owners of any cars, other than
    hers, in her driveway.

  • A man called to report he had a roach stuck in his ear.

  • A guy called to ask if they delivered dope. When the person
    answering told him it was the Sheriff's Department, he hung up.

  • Another winner called to ask when the Cinco de Mayo celebration was.
    (Cinco de Mayo means the 5th of May)

  • A female complainant called to request a police officer come to her
    residence to change the battery in her smoke detector. She couldn't
    reach it.

  • A drunk called 911 to order a pizza.

  • A woman called to report that someone had trespassed on her property.
    When asked how she knew this, she reported that the person had trimmed
    her rose bushes, and she knew it was her next-door neighbor.

  • A person called to find out the number to the police station.


Actual Newspaper Headlines

  1. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  2. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
  3. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
  4. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
  5. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
  6. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
  7. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
  8. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
  9. Farmer Bill Dies in House
  10. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
  11. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
  12. Stud Tires Out
  13. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
  14. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
  15. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
  16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
  17. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
  18. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
  19. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
  20. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
  21. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
  22. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
  23. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
  24. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
  25. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
  26. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
  27. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
  28. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
  29. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
  30. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
  31. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
  32. War Dims Hope for Peace
  33. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
  34. Eye Drops off Shelf
  35. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
  36. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
  37. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
  38. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
  39. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
  40. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
  41. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
  42. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
  43. Steals Clock, Faces Time
  44. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
  45. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
  46. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
  47. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
  48. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
  49. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
  50. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
  51. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
  52. Air Head Fired
  53. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
  54. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
  55. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board





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