An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.
A neighbour of a newly wed couple was worried when she didn't hear her rather noisey neighbours for a while. A few days later, she peered through their letterbox and through the windows. But there was no sign of anyone. Concerned for the young couple, she called the police. The officers promptly broke down the door, then searched the house. Only to find the young women gagged and tied to the bed. Her husband was lying unconscious on the floor, wearing a Superman Outfit. They later explain that they had been engaged in a superhero role-playing fantasy, and the costumed husband had knocked himself out attempting to jump onto his wife from atop the dresser. Of course, the woman was unable to help him!
An elderly woman was been transported to another hospital in an ambulance. The paramedics were quietly talking to her when the ambulance doors suddenly opened while they were journeying up an incline. The stretcher she was strapped to flew out, rolled down the hill at tremendous speed, before tipping over, narrowing missing two cars travelling in the opposite direction.
SHOCK OF HIS LIFE|
An 18-year-old High School leaver from Birmingham, Alabama was rushed into the ER after he been severely electrocuted. After much hesitance, he later explained that he had been sitting at his computer, visiting some "adult" websites. After his "right hand had said hello to his One Eyed Snake", he came, spraying his bodily fluids all over the keyboard and onto the screen, causing the current to pass through his body.
FAT AND SKINNY|
A slender 45-year-old man from Georgia reported broken ribs after having to literally escape from his 300-pound wife. Apparently, she had accidentally rolled onto him while sleeping, crushing his ribs. Ashamed by her weight problem and what she had done, she refused to let her husband leave he house. But he broke out a few days, whilst she was sleeping and went straight to the hospital.
A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
A 400lb. woman from Illinois was examined in a hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit and a dime was found under one of her breasts.
OUCH! In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
FILL 'R UP|
A 20 year old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum. He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a ping pong ball.
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.
COUPLE IN THE NEXT BOOTH!|
A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.
The following quotes were taken from Electronic Medical Records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has no past history of suicides.
- The patient refused an autopsy.
- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
- Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
- I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
- The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.