- "I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
- "A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
- "I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
- "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
- "My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
- "My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often."
- "I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
- "I was the kid next door's imaginary friend."
- "You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
- "I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them."
- "I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."
- "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
- "People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
- "You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."
- "New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."
- "I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
- "I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
- "I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
- "At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
- "I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
- "I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them."
- "I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference."
- "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."
- "Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
- "People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
- "When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas..."
- "I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
- "Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
- "I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- "I'm a great lover, I'll bet."