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Male vs Female Humor
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Male vs Female Humor



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Definitions Male/Female

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
a. female...Any part under a car's hood.
b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup."

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. BUTT (but) n.
a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.

5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family.
b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking.

7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes.

10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n.
a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention.
b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.


Objects (Are they male or female?)


Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.

Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

Hammer - male, because it hasen't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

Ziplock Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.

Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.

Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.




My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

  1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

  2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in B.C.

  3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

  4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

  5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

  6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

  7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."

  8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

  9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

  10. Remember...Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

  11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

  12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

  13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

  14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, 'Dust!"

  15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman... Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

  16. Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.


Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Volatile when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a shinier specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Element Name: MAN

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.


Special Medications Just For Women

  1. St. Mom's Wort
    Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

  2. EmptyNestrogen
    Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

  3. Peptobimbo
    Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

  4. Dumerol
    When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ causing enjoyment of country western music.

  5. Flipitor
    Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

  6. Antiboyotics
    When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.

  7. Menicillin
    Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"

  8. Buyagra
    Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

  9. Extra Strength Buy-One-all
    When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or an Anna Nicole Smith exercise video.

  10. Jackasspirin
    Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

  11. Sexcedrin
    More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.

  12. Ragamet
    When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

  13. Damitol
    Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.


WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = Hell no.

We need = I want.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

You're so .... manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let's have sex now.

What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'll take you to a nice restaurant and then I'd like to have sex with you.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.

Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.

I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay


Men vs Women at the Drive Thuough ATM Machine.
This doesn't shed a good light on women, but is nevertheless entertaining...


HIM:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, receipt, and card
5. Leave

HER:
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because she's too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
12a. Hit "cancel"
12b. Call husband to get correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

Hormone-ology

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands.

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks... but chocolate sings!






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