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Microsoft vs. GM

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: if GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

  2. Every time they painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to re-install the engine.

  4. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

  5. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

  6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

  7. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

  8. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

  9. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

Kiss Me Computer Guy

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

True Tech Support Stories

Think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the
following excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton.

  1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any
    Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls
    asking where the "Any" key is.

  2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her
    mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover
    turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

  3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man
    complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing
    files from his old diskettes. After trouble- shooting for
    magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was
    found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled
    them into the typewriter to type the labels.

  4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her
    defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the
    customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

  5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled
    floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer
    asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone
    down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to
    his room.

  6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his
    computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of
    trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was
    trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
    monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

  7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new
    program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local
    Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, "the customer
    replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man
    said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of

  8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his
    keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up
    his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a
    day, then removing all the keys and washing them

  9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was
    enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and
    an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad
    command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken

  10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support
    couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring
    the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what
    happened when she pushed the power button. Her response,
    "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing
    happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's

  11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
    brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked
    the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for
    something to happen. When asked what happened when she
    pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

  12. This guy calls in to complain that he gets an "Access Denied" message
    every time he logs in. It turned out he was typing his user name and
    password in capital letters.

    Tech Support: "OK, let's try once more, but use lower-case letters."

    Customer: "Uh, I only have capital letters on my keyboard."

  13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

    Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

    Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

    Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within
    my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

    Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

    Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

    Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's
    because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
    at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it
    have any trademark on it?"

    Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything
    about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it." At this point the
    Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand
    it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM
    drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

  14. Illegal Operations

    A good friend of mine in Los Angeles is somewhat computer illiterate.
    She recently called me here (Italy) with a problem she was having with
    her new computer:

    "Simon, something's wrong with the Internet thing, it doesn't work."

    "What does the computer say?"

    "Well, it just told me that the program had performed an 'illegal
    operation' and that it was going to be shut down."

    I paused, about to respond that it was nothing to worry about and all
    she had to do was restart the computer, when I thought of something.

    "You think it means the police are going to come and shut down your
    computer, don't you?"

    A trans-Atlantic pause....

    "Umm, it doesn't then?"


Computer Viruses

Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Titanic Virus:
Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
Deletes all old files.

Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.

Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Ellen Degeneres Virus:
Disks can no longer be inserted.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit Virus:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
Only attacks minor files.

Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.

Lewinsky Virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

Kenneth Starr Virus:
Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a
complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Polish Virus:
You have just received the "Polish Virus." As the Polish have no
programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive and manually forward
this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
    Thank you for your cooperation,
    Polish Computer Engineering Dept.

Microsoft Improvement

Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft"
which will clear up space on users' hard disks. It is estimated that a
typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,842,597 iterations of
the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements,
'About' screens, as well as several multi-megabyte files containing
nothing else (the so-called ego.dll series), etc.

So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space.
Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the

"Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said
Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change
will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving
about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at
shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance
'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'.

Gates denied that the move was because of problems with the alleged long
filename support in Win95 which still uses 8.3 filenames underneath.
He did admit, however, that "MICROSO~1" did look a little ugly.

Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential
savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.

My Computer Crashed And Died Today - poem

My computer crashed and died today
And I thought, "oh well what the hey"
Now I'd have time to clean my house
And see if I still had a spouse

It started out with weird frustrations
Combined with mild heart palpitations
And then my ankles began to swell
Withdrawal symptoms from no AOL

Chills ran up and down my spine
Oh, God I had to get on-line
To greet my buds and check my mail
I began to feel helpless and frail

Then I remembered the Good Guy's Store
And all those computers by the door
I'd go there and when alone
With no one looking I'd sign-on

I stepped up to a computer, clicked on AOL
The Sign-On screen came up, man it sure looked swell
I clicked on the Guest name, then came the modem sound
I was having cold-sweats, as my heart began to pound

Then I typed my password, and the computer said, "Goodbye"
And that's what I kept hearing each time that I would try.
This was just an evil plot, the store was playing tricks
If only they had known how bad I need my AOL fix

I ...slowly... typed... my... password... then...I... stood....and...waited
The darned thing said , "Goodbye" again and I got real frustrated
That's when I shoved the keyboard thru the monitor screen
And the last thing I remember is my loud shrieking scream

When I woke I was handcuffed being booked
I think I asked the data entry cop, if he'd get me a drink
Now I'm sitting in his chair, and I know I can get well
If I can just use his computer to sign on AOL.

Help - song

(Sung to the tune of 'Help!' by The Beatles)

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. End users called me up to tell me what was wrong, And now I find, it fried my mind, I worked "the desk" too long.

"Help me if you can, my system's down! And a reboot didn't bring it back 'round! Should it make that awful grinding sound? Help desk pleeeeeease, please help me!"

And now my work has changed in oh so many ways, I wrangle data; I'm an MCDBA. But now and then the help desk sneaks into my dreams, I'm taking calls, I'm up the walls, I wake up with a scream.

"Help me if you can my system's down! I read virus-laden e-mails by the pound! All my data's one big steaming mound! Help desk PLEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME!"

When I was younger and quite desperate for pay, I worked the help desk for eight hours every day. But now I wish that I could travel back in time, I wouldn't cry, if only I could leave that desk behind.

"Help me if you can my system's down! Spilled my coffee, now my hard drive's full of grounds! Lost my pictures filled with women bound! HELP DESK PLEEEEEEASE, PLEASE HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! Oooooooo...."


In the beginning there was the computer

*File Description:*
In the beginning there was the computer. And God said. . . .
%Let there be light!
#Enter user id.
#Enter password.
#Password incorrect. Try again.
#Password incorrect. Try again.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light
%Run heaven and earth
#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and
#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land
%Run firmament
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.
%Create sun_moon_stars
%Run sun_moon_stars
#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish
%Create fowl
%Run fish, fowl
#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged
fowl after its kind.

And God saw there were 0 errors.

Anger In The Sky

God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential men: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.

"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each
have one week to prepare your followers for the End of the World."

With another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.

Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad news,"
he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God. The bad news
is, He's really mad and plans to end the world in a week."

In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad news and
worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong; there is a God after all.
The worse news is He's mad and is going to end the world in a week."

Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have good
news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one of the
three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better news is we
don't have to fix WINDOWS 95."

Webster's Windows95 Definition

Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit
operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written
by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Spell Checker - poem

I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Microsoft Dinner 98


You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:


Then enter:


If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and press
start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight of
the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The
oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to
your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your
oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the
dinner from the oven and enter:


This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave
and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your
oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of
their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger
family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must
be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However,
that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get
thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature,
not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

Computer Breasts

Tired of smiley faces? Try these...

  (o)(o)   Perfect breasts

  ( + )( + )   Fake silicone breasts

  (*)(*)   Perky breasts

  (@)(@)   Big nipple breasts

  oo   A cups

  { O }{ O }   D cups

  (oYo)   Wonder bra breasts

  ( ^ )( ^ )   Cold breasts

  (o)(O)   Lopsided breasts

  (Q)(Q)   Pierced Breasts

  (p)(p)   Hanging Tassels Breasts

  \o/\o/   Grandma's Breasts

  (  -  )(  -  )   Against The Shower Door Breasts

  | o | | o |   Android Breasts

  ($) ($)   Martha Stewart's Breasts

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