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Funny Classified Ads

Typos, info crammed into as few words as possible, and just plain dumb mistakes with English.
Jokes
Excerpts From Classified Sections Of City Newspapers.
• WE DO NOT TEAR YOUR CLOTHING WITH MACHINERY.
WE DO IT CAREFULLY BY HAND.

• GET RID OF AUNTS. ZAP DOES THE JOB IN 24 HOURS.

• STOCK UP AND SAVE. LIMIT: ONE.

• ILLITERATE? WRITE TODAY FOR FREE HELP.

• MAN, HONEST. WILL TAKE ANYTHING.

• WANTED. MAN TO TAKE CARE OF COW THAT DOES NOT SMOKE OR DRINK.

Used Tombstone

• AUTO REPAIR SERVICE. FREE PICK-UP AND DELIVERY.
TRY US ONCE, YOU'LL NEVER GO ANYWHERE AGAIN.

• DOG FOR SALE: EATS ANYTHING AND IS FOND OF CHILDREN.

• MIXING BOWL SET DESIGNED TO PLEASE A COOK WITH ROUND BOTTOM FOR EFFICIENT BEATING.

• AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

• OUR EXPERIENCED MOM WILL CARE FOR YOUR CHILD.
FENCED YARD, MEALS, AND SMACKS INCLUDED.

• NOW IS YOUR CHANCE TO HAVE YOUR EARS PIERCED
AND GET AN EXTRA PAIR TO TAKE HOME, TOO.

Viagra

• MAN WANTED TO WORK IN DYNAMITE FACTORY.
MUST BE WILLING TO TRAVEL.

• TIRED OF CLEANING YOURSELF. LET ME DO IT.

• SEMI-ANNUAL AFTER-CHRISTMAS SALE.

• 3-YEAR OLD TEACHER NEEDED FOR PRE-SCHOOL.
EXPERIENCE PREFERRED.

• VACATION SPECIAL: HAVE YOUR HOME EXTERMINATED.

• GIRL WANTED TO ASSIST MAGICIAN IN CUTTING-OFF-HEAD ILLUSION.
BLUE CROSS AND SALARY.

Back in time

• USED CARS: WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED. COME HERE FIRST.

• FOR SALE: ANTIQUE DESK SUITABLE FOR LADY WITH THICK LEGS AND LARGE DRAWERS.

• FOR SALE. THREE CANARIES OF UNDERMINED SEX.

• GREAT DAMES FOR SALE.

• FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL-1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

• MT. KILIMANJARO, THE BREATHTAKING BACKDROP FOR THE SERENA LODGE.
SWIM IN THE LOVELY POOL WHILE YOU DRINK IT ALL IN.

• DINNER SPECIAL -- TURKEY $2.35; CHICKEN OR BEEF $2.25; CHILDREN $2.00

Correction

• THE HOTEL HAS BOWLING ALLEYS, TENNIS COURTS, COMFORTABLE BEDS,
AND OTHER ATHLETIC FACILITIES.

• WANTED: HAIR CUTTER. EXCELLENT GROWTH POTENTIAL.

• TOASTER: A GIFT THAT EVERY MEMBER OF THE FAMILY APPRECIATES.
AUTOMATICALLY BURNS TOAST.

• FOR RENT: 6-ROOM HATED APARTMENT.

• WE WILL OIL YOUR SEWING MACHINE AND ADJUST TENSION IN YOUR HOME FOR $1.00.

• CHRISTMAS TAG-SALE. HANDMADE GIFTS FOR THE HARD-TO-FIND PERSON.

Super Bowel Party

• AND NOW, THE SUPERSTORE-UNEQUALED IN SIZE, UNMATCHED IN VARIETY, UNRIVALED INCONVENIENCE.

• HAVE SEVERAL VERY OLD DRESSES FROM GRANDMOTHER IN BEAUTIFUL CONDITION.

• Ad seen in NY Times
For sale by owner:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows f**king everything.