- I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
- People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
- She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
- You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
- I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
- The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.
- A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
- A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
- If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
- There'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.
- When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
- I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
- If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.
- If you haven't any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.