Socrates the Great Philosopher
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?"
"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd
like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test".
"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my
friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're
going to say.
The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure
that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you
are about to tell me about my friend something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about
him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though,
because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you
want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither
true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out his best friend was screwing his wife.
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A Man and his Headache
Rudolph had enjoyed a fairly long, successful and happy life. In recent years, however, he had experienced some incredibly painful headaches. The headaches became so frequent and so painful that ordinary pain killers had no effect on his condition. His career and his daily life were being hurt by his malady. He decided to see a doctor about his condition.
He was referred from one specialist to another, to no avail, until he finally found a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches," said the doctor. "The bad news is it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles."
Rudolph was shocked and depressed. But since the headache made it impossible for him to concentrate long enough to answer, he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear and free from pain.Ê He felt like a different person. He realized he could make a new beginning in life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit!" He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...size 44 long." Rudolph laughed, "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job," replied the salesman.
Rudolph tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Rudolph admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Rudolph thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see...34 sleeve, 16 1/2 neck." Rudolph was surprised. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Rudolph tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. As Rudolph adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Rudolph was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's feet and said, "Let's see...9 1/2 wide." Rudolph was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
Rudolph tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Rudolph walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating Rudolph replied, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's head and said, "Let's see...7 5/8." Rudolph was incredulous. "That's right. How did you know?" "It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Rudolph was feeling great. Then the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Rudolph thought for a moment, but then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Rudolph's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."
Rudolph laughed. "No, you finally got one wrong. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache."
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Teddy Bears
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor.
Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher.
Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...
After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?"
The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
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Thirteen
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye.
Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
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Another Fire Story
During a recent ecumenical gathering, someone rushed in and shouted, "The building is on Fire!!"
The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door that fire is evil.
The Roman Catholics passed a collection plate to cover the damage.
The Jews painted symbols on the doors so the fire would pass over.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It is the vengeance of God!"
The Christian Scientists agreed among themselves that there was no fire.
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The janitor put the fire out and went back to work.
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Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it's mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.
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Sherlock's Night Out
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and
a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours
later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
'"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
'"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
'"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in
Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past
three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are
a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you,
Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says.
"Someone has stolen our tent!"
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The New Maid
A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What pool?"
"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"
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Italian Cookies
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the
agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of
his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands,
he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on
the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie
at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked with a spatula by his wife......
"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral."
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Dead Hunter
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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The Statues
In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head!"
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Generosity
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum five whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
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Women's Ass Size Study
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their ass.
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care --
they love him and would have married him anyway.
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Fishing Vacation
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours
of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
Although she wasn't familiar with the lake,
the wife decided to take the boat out.
She rowed out a short distance, anchored,
and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat.
He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied... as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who knows how to read.
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Don't Get Married
One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad!,
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with
you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years.
She's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much
excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.
Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
George was brokenhearted. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June!"
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry
about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm
never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells
me the girl is my half sister."
"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any
attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
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Dinner Date
A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.
The waiter tells them the night's specials are almond chicken and fresh
fish.
"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish too," she replies.
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Fridge
A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
The lady replied "Yes."
"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing".
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Where's Your Pants?
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway for
a while, then, got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the
middle of farm country.
After a while, he came across a farmer who was out in the fields,
driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem to be wearing
any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an'
I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and
mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now... this here's mah
wife's idea."
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Myths About Sexuality
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really, " he said, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait."Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
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A Nun Gets Her Weight And Fortune
A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun and weigh 128 lb., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun, weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life."
She sat back down. From nowhere a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. She picked it up and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind."
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong. "I've never broken wind in public a day in my life. " Well, she tripped getting off the scale and broke wind.
Stunned she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.
It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your plane to Chicago.
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Navajo Woman
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she sees an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. She said yes and after a bit of small talk while driving along a lonesome road, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
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Another Man?
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
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The Younger Days
Two old men in an old folk's home were recalling experiences of their younger days. The first old man said, "I'll never forget the morning when I went bear hunting for the first time." The second old man asked, "What happened"? The first old man replied, "It was a cold morning, and I was sitting on the ridge looking for a bear, when all of the sudden an 8-foot-tall bear came up from behind and went ROAR, and I just shit my pants" (turning red with embarrassment). The second old man said, "Hell that's nothing to be embarrassed about, I'd have done the same thing if an 8-foot bear came upon me."
The first old man said, "No, not then, just now, when I said "ROAR."
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Original Sin
There was a hooker named Jodi who mistook a Salvation Army man for a
soldier and propositioned him.
The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiful
victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of
'original sin'?"
Jodi responded, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original,
it'll cost you an extra $20."
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Jesus Is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a rottweiler Jesus."
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A Glass Of Water Please
An Arab diplomat visiting in the United States for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American foods, so he was forever sending his manservant, Abdul, to fetch glasses of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. On this occasion, though, Abdul returned empty-handed.
"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.
"A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "but, there is a man sitting on the well."
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