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The Best Beer Jokes

Here are some of the best Beer Jokes
Scientists say that 2 beers a day will make you live longer.
So just think what beer jokes can do for you.


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THE BEER PRAYER

OUR LAGER, WHICH ART IN BARRELS,
HALLOWED BY THY FAME.
THY WILL BE DRUNK, I WILL BE DRUNK,
AT HOME, AS IT IS IN HEAVEN.
GIVE US THIS DAY OUR FOAMY HEAD,
AND FORGIVE OUR SPILLAGE,
AS WE FORGIVE THOSE WHO SPILL AGAINST US.
AND LEAD US NOT TO INCARCERATION,
BUT DELIVER US FROM HANGOVERS.
FOR THINE IS THE ALE, THE PILSNER, AND THE LAGER,
FOREVER AND EVER.
- AMEN -


The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking and Brain Development

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.


Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "You know... we have a drink named after you."

To which the grasshopper replies, "You have a drink named Bob?"


Gorilla

A gorilla walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and orders a beer.

The bartender pours him a tall, frothy mug and says "That'll be five bucks."

As the gorilla is paying for his beer, the bartender adds "You know... we don't get many gorillas in here."

To which the gorilla replies, "At five bucks a beer, it's no wonder..."


WORK Virus!

There is a dangerous virus going around. It is called WORK.

If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus wipes out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning immediately to at least 5 friends. Should you realize that you do not have 5 friends, this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.

REMEMBER, THIS VIRUS IS DEADLY!


10 Glasses

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.

So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry?

The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing.

The bartender backs up and says what do you have.

The man says about 75 cents!


Beer Drinking Squirrl
I Prefer "Bud"

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.


News Flash - - -

"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."


WARNING TO MEN:

Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is usually found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans from taps and in large "kegs". "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory woman administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.


Proud Fathers

Four guys are sitting in a bar. One leaves to go to the bathroom. There are three guys left. The guys start talking about their sons. First guy says "I thought my son was going to be a dissapointment. He started out sweeping floors for supercuts. But then he graduated from Stanford and became the owner of a car dealership and gives his best friend a free car for his birthday."

Second guy says, "Yeah, I thought my son would be a dissapointment, too. It was almost the same exact thing that happened to my son to yours except he swept floors for a Stock broking company. But soon, he became the owner of that company and got his friend 100,000 dollars in stock money for his birthday."

Third guy says "Wow, that was the same thing that happened to my son except he swept floors for a real estate agent. But soon he became the owner of this place and gave his best friend a house for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the bathroom. The guys explain the the other guy what they were talking about and askes him if he could tell about his son. He agrees. "Well, my son is a real disappointment to me. He works as a hair dresser and has for fifeteen years. He is also gay and has several boyfriends. Well, I look on the bright side, from his boyfriends he got a new house, a new car and 100,000 dollars in stock money."


Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger comes into town during the hottest part of summer. He stops outside a bar and tells Tonto to run in circles around Silver his horse, waving his poncho to keep a nice breeze on Silver while he goes in to drink.

A couple of minutes later a man dressed in black swaggers into the bar and says "You the Lone Ranger?"

"Yes, I am" the Lone Ranger replies.

"Oh," says the man dressed in black, "Did ya know ya left your injun runnin?"


Angry Wife

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."


Three Guys In A Truck

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol' time. The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over. The other two are real nervous, "What do we do with our beers? We're in trouble!" "No," the driver says, "just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking."

So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick 'em to their foreheads. The policeman walks up and says, "You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?" The driver says, "Oh, no officer," and points to his forehead, "we're on the patch, trying to quit."


Bar Room Floor

Some Guinness was spilled on the bar room floor as the pub was closed for the night.
  Out from his hole crept a wee brown mouse and stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy brew from the floor and back on his haunches he sat.
  And all night long you could hear him roar "Bring on the God damn cat!!!"


Q&A

Q: Do you know why beer goes through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: Why did God make beer?
A: So the Irish wouldn't take over the world.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.


The Drowning Vat

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.


Company Policy

While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some arguments for changing that policy.
Reasons for allowing drinking at work include:
 1. It's an incentive to show up.
 2. It reduces stress.
 3. It leads to more honest communications.
 4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
 8. It encourages carpooling.
 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
16. No one will remember your strip act at the Christmas Party.


Happy Dieting

It seems that a lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!

FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is almost all water, and the part that isn't water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable goal.

FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking (very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).

FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when you aren't necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional "How did I get here?" When you wake up, which always makes for lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak out and run home.

FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven to help prevent heart attacks.

FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl" stomach crunches.

FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan than yourself.

FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.


Based on these facts, let's run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.

MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically be a slob.

FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor store and stock up. Go to favorite place of beer drinking and begin the consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).

SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11). Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories for the day, and you still don't feel hungry.

SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should be paced to cover the entire day-you don't want to peak too soon. Again you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Don't forget the aspirin.

MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested, and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for the upcoming weekend. Happy dieting.


One Day While Scaffolding

Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve's wife.

Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.
After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

"So did you tell her?" asks Jeff.
"Yep", replied Bob.
"Say, where did you get the six-pack?"
Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me!"
"What??" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??"
"Sure," Bob says.
"Why?" asks Jeff.

"Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!'

So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"


Holes In My Pocket

Joe, the poor guy (he was so poor he never wore underwear), was standing at the bar in his favorite watering hole (so poor he never had enough money to buy beer with, either most of the time) and after having a few decided he needed another. He searched in all his pockets for some more money, even turning his pants pockets inside out in desperation. Finally finding some more money in his shirt pocket, he ordered another pitcher of beer for himself. While he was downing his suds, another guy came from the back of the barroom and, seeing Joe's pocket linings hanging out, decided to cut them off. After awhile, when Joe's pitcher was empty, he started looking for more money to buy another pitcher of beer. He first put his right hand in his pocket. The look on his face changed to one of puzzlement. He next put his left hand deep in his left pocket and his look changed from puzzlement to amazement.

"PRUNES??? PRUNES!!, he exclaimed, "where the hell did I get prunes?".

Now, if you want to tell this or change it so that it is a woman at the bar instead of a man, all you have to change is what she says: "BRILLO PAD??? BRILLO PAD!!"


Cuckoo Clock

At about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in
time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly
coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my
wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.

The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I
replied, "Midnight, just like I said."

She said that was good, and for some reason she said we
needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered,
"Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three
times, said 'Crap!,' cuckooed four more times, farted,
cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more
times and then started giggling."


True story from Orange County, California:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

This true story was told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.


- BEER TEST -

If this looks like Marilyn Monroe to you,
maybe you've had enough.

If this looks like Bonzo, keep drinking!!

ape


Beer Warning Labels

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell
the same boring story over and over again until your friends
want to smash your head in.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay
shings like thish.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your pants.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll
over in the morning and see something really scary (whose
species and/or name you can't remember).

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of
inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion
that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really,
really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe
you are invisible.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing with you.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in
the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large)
gaps of time may seem to disappear.

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause
pregnancy.


Hangover Ratings

Does any of this sound somewhat familiar?

1 Star Hangover *

No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a Cheeseburger and a side of fries.

2 Star Hangover **

Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

3 Star Hangover ***

Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.

4 Star Hangover ****

Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk. You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.

5 Star Hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****

You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very gently.


Signs that you are too drunk would be...

• You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
• You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
• Job interfering with your drinking.
• Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
• Career won't progress beyond Senator of Massachusetts.
• The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
• Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
• 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
• Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
• You can focus better with one eye closed.
• The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
• Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
• Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
• Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
• At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
• Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
• You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmmm.
• The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...


SAD BUT TRUE

HE GRABBED ME AROUND MY SLENDER NECK
I COULD NOT CALL OR SCREAM.
HE DRAGGED ME TO MY DINGY ROOM
WHERE WE COULD NOT BE SEEN.

HE TORE AWAY MY FLIMSY WRAP
AND GAZED UPON MY FORM.
I WAS SO COLD AND DAMP AND SCARED
WHILE HE WAS DRY AND WARM.

HE PRESSED HIS FEVERISH LIPS TO MINE
I COULD NOT MAKE HIM STOP.
HE DRAINED ME OF MY INNER SELF
I GAVE HIM EVERY DROP.

THEN HE CAST ME FROM HIS SIDE
SO NOW YOU SEE ME HERE.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE THROWN AWAY
THAT ONCE WAS FULL OF BEER.


Life And A Can Of Beer

When things in your life seem almost to much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar........and the beer.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things- -your family, your children, your health, your friends, your favorite passions--things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else--the small stuff".

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house, and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Beer Belly

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" 

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." 


Beer Facts

It was the accepted practice in Babylonia 4,000 years ago that for a month after
the wedding, the brides father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he
could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this
period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon".

Before thermometers were invented, brewers would dip a thumb or finger
into the mix to find the right temperature for adding yeast. Too cold,
and the yeast wouldn't grow. Too hot, and the yeast would die. This
thumb in the beer is where we get the phrase "rule of thumb".

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own
pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's".

Beer was the reason the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. It's clear
from the Mayflower's log that the crew didn't want to waste beer looking
for a better site. The log goes on to state that the passengers "were hasted
ashore and made to drink water that the seamen might have the more beer".

After consuming a bucket or two of vibrant brew they called aul, or ale,
the Vikings would head fearlessly into battle often without armor or
even shirts. In fact, the term "berserk"; means "bare shirt" in Norse,
and eventually took on the meaning of their wild battles.

In 1740 Admiral Vernon of the British fleet decided to water down the
navy's rum. Needless to say, the sailors weren't too pleased and called
Admiral Vernon "Old Grog", after the stiff wool grogram coats he wore.

The term "grog" soon began to mean the watered down drink itself. When
you were drunk on this grog, you were "groggy".

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or
handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle
to get some service. "Wet your whistle", is the phrase inspired by this practice.

Now you can appreciate the importance of BEER throughout history.


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