1. Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
2. Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
3. Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
4. Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
5. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
6. Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
7. All generalizations are false, including this one.
8. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
9. Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
10. But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
11. All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
12. Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
13. Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
14. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
15. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
16. I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
17. I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
18. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
19. It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
20. It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
21. Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
22. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
23. One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
24. It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
25. Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
25. Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
27. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
28. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
29. Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
30. The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
31. The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
32. The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
33. Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
34. Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
35. What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
36. What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
37. When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
38. When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
39. Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
40. Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the plane
41. Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
42. It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
43. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
44. Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
45. Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
46. Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
47. A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
48. When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
49. When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
50. The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.