Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Born: November 30, 1835
Died: April 21, 1910
Pen Name: Mark Twain
- Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Buy land, they're not making it anymore.
- Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
- Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
- All generalizations are false, including this one.
- Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
- But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
- All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
- Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.
- Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
- Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
- It is not best that we should all think alike; it is a difference of opinion that makes horse races.
- Man - a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.
- Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
- It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
- Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
- Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.
- Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
- The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
- The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
- The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.
- Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.
- What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
- What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
- When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.
- When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.
- Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which before their union were not perceived to have any relation.
- Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the plane
- Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.
- It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
- Don't tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
- Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
- Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
- When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.